Tired

by Sarra Deya

 Do you know what a priceless, one-of-a-kind, worthy-of- her-own-display-in-a-museum treasure you have in your hands?

Do you know that God has blessed you with a woman who would give you the world? Her world, your world and any other world she can find to give to you

Give you her very soul?

Defy God, family and nation for your sorry ass

And if you claim you don’t know what I’m talking about, how about a few figures to remind you

The number of times you’ve picked up the phone and asked her to save your sorry ass…your family’s sorry ass

The number of times she’s given you money even when she’s too broke to buy the basics

The number of times you’ve stood her up even when you know that, for you, she’s stood her whole life up

Do you know to say thank you?

Not the empty thank yous that our mamas taught us to say

To the person who holds the door or serves you coffee at your favourite café

Do you understand that she doesn’t even want you to say thank you?

She just needs to feel you have her back

Needs you to reciprocate the unconditional love she has selflessly poured on you

Needs you to be her man instead of her always being your woman

Needs to hear more than pipe dreams, what-ifs and empty promises

As for me?

I’m tired

Tired of hearing her sobs on the phone and not know what else to do but listen and mumble useless nothings.

Consoling her, while knowing I am not the person she wants to be doing the consoling

I’m tired. Tired of having to hear the excuses she gives you:

How tough life is

How you just need a bit more time, money, luck, a pot of gold to turn things round

How, but you love her so much and make her feel so good!

How, but she loves you so much she can’t stand to see you miserable

How you love the way you live too much to change it, even for her…and of course, she understands

I’m tired. Tired of having to listen and try to be objective and not scream at her for being stupid and taking this from you

I’m tired. Tired of having to tell her over and over again that she doesn’t need to feel guilty for telling you no.

She doesn’t need to feel bad for being mad at you

I’m tired. Tired of going from love to hate

Loving you, just for her sake. Hating you, also for her sake

Loving her for being her. Hating her for being the her she is with you .

Hating her for letting you walk all over her like she isn’t the strong, brave, in-your-face woman I call my best friend

I’m not dating you, but you’d think I was for how much I’m hating you

You’d think I was for how you’re affecting my life, causing me pain, cramping my style, making me hate men all over again

And you know what sucks the most?

After all is said and done, you may still be the one

You may still be the one she chooses above all others

You may still be the father of her kids

You may still be the reason I lose another friend to an empty marriage

And because you may still be

I have to keep all this inside

I have to love you, not just for her, but for me

I have to want you two to end up together

Coz all I want is for her to be happy

And you may be the only happy she’ll ever know…