by Lameese Badr
We straightened our creases and
Squinted our eyes
As the sun dawned on us.
A reminder that this was bound to end
Regardless of all the ways we tried to stall.
The light illuminated all of our imperfections
Which we were blind to last night,
Revealing all the reasons of why we couldn’t be.
Maybe our justifications are purely nocturnal
Maybe that’s why I can’t think of a reason to go on
While these rays scatter my thoughts.
Even the Velvet Underground’s words which seemed like they
Were written about us yesterday seem so irrelevant now.
Their words leaking with sorrow and mockery at how naive we were.
If we knew this moment was inevitable
Why does it still ache?
Long goodbyes are as vain as these cries of help I send out to you,
The sun will still rise tomorrow
Just as determined as it is today
Into forcing us along opposite directions.
So let’s keep it brief.
A mutual glance of recognition for what we shared
Will suffice us for what’s yet to come.
The memory of you will always remain nocturnal,
After all
We were born during the peak of it’s stillness.
And even though I dread the night time and all the question marks it raises,
I fear the sunlight even more.
Every ray of light gives birth to a shadow,
but no matter how hard I squint these eyes
the shadow of us won’t appear.
For we are not real.
How can we expect a ray of light to reflect nothingness, an illusion?
One which was created by our best written fantasies a result of of wishful thinking at its best,
circulating inside of us until we became blind to reality.
Until we became this.
But still,
I can’t help myself.
I’m falling in love
Not with you but with
The memories we once created.
They’re the only element bonding us.
We have nothing else in common,
Not words nor interests.
Our worlds are pushing and pulling us into different directions,
There is no middle point
No grey area for us to meet.
We are not the same.
Look at the rainbow spectrum
Read between its lines.
I’m always blue
You’ll stay yellow for as long as you can,
Emitting that sunshine off your eyes.
So believe me
We are not the same.
But these memories,
Intertwining us in a way we can’t break free from, even if we wanted to.
Creating an oasis made of our unsimilar merged worlds
Gathering my past along with yours,
Giving birth to an intense present which
Has now become a past as well.
Memories of youth,
Memories of blithe happiness.
Not so long ago,
We were alive.
And I’m trying to uncover the dust from that path you promised me
I’m trying to believe that there’s a light at the end of each tunnel.
I’m squinting my eyes so that the image of us will appear.
But these lines near my eyes are begging me to stop squinting
To stop giving birth to them,
They’re telling me that I’m too young to have these worry lines on my face
That I shouldn’t rush them, they’ll come out on their own.
They’re begging me to listen to them and realize that what’s covering that path isn’t dust,
It’s the ashes left behind after I burned you.
It’s disappointment created by fairytales.
It’s reality.
A reality that Walt Disney had little to do with scripting
So my subconscious mind keeps letting me down
Each time my cheeks are pressed against the pillow.
The image of you dancing along my dreams won’t fade
The theme of regret framing each scene won’t break or bend.
So don’t just sit there and watch me
Like you always have
As I try to baptize myself from you
For the last time which feels just like the first time.
All those times I tried to wash off your residue
From the blood pumped into my veins were in vain.
These spots of residue you left won’t wash off
Tattooed in every corner
Singing a melody of yearning
Hoping to be transformed into the reality they once were
Designating me a guest in my own body
Completely out of choices
Ignoring every cry which doesn’t resemble yours
If I cut this rope which bonds us
And loosen its hook
I know you’ll tie it back and If you don’t
I know I will.
Because every footprint leads back to you
Every voice belongs to you
Your eyes are always hidden behind every stranger’s look
Every song reveals our history which is laced with too many secrets to begin exposing
Every syllable describes a different aspect of your existence
You think I can’t see you
While you plant your scent in every corner
Sprinkle it with flashbacks from the past added with our memories
I saw you.
I let you.
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