37 Days

by Naji Mansour

It’s Day 7,

All I ever wanted to do was good..
Not because I had to but because I always thought I should.
If I could be, I’d be that hero to humanity. You know, the one that’d bring some kind of sanity
to a world otherwise plagued with emptiness and vanity. The reality..
I got caught up in the same dunya that I wanted to change.
Left me a slave and slightly – or maybe even more so – deranged.
It’s only the most high that loosened the shackles
and made clear to me some of lifes’ debacles.
Now instead of looking up to music and television crooks..
I know look up to books..
on a shelf. Forget about saving the world man.. I just want to save myself.

So how, just how, did I end up in here? alone with all of my fears..
In the darkness of a 2 x 2 cell.. thinking like “what the hell?”
Nobody really even cares about someone labeled the “BIG T”.
A slander of slanders – straight up ferocious animosity.
A weapon that destroys lives with an accelerated velocity.
Leaving brothers discarded, disowned, and stigmatized. Oh what an attrocity
it is in this day and age to have someone outside the deen rewrite a page
in our lives that they never knew of or even seen.
Just because they despise us something keen and want to bring us down to our knees,
inorder to turn us into spies, so that they can strike fear into our lives..
you know what I mean?

Well if you don’t. Just ask my wife.. who just spent the last 7 days in captivity with me.
I remember that first day – crying – they marched her past me.
Already locked up – choked up – I could do nothing but pray and gasp!
Looking on as they tried to remove her hijab!
YA ALLAH!!! PLEASE MAKE THIS TEST EASY FOR US FAST!!!
And at last… His favor finally came through..
and they let her be.. but she remained in lock-down too.
But alhamdulillah, today she’s going home, although without me..
nobody knows the joy that I feel..
Truly Allah protects his friends from their foes, if He so wills.
Now I know this occasion doesn’t exaclty call for a celebration..
or even a “happy meal” but I still feel
the need to drop to my knees..

and peform.. Sajdatul Shukr.
Now it’s Day 14,

And I’m still being interrogated by agents of Kufr.
Their repeated threats echo in my head like the base from a sub-woofer.
They want to know all that I said,
where I been, what I seen, whether or not I’m “quote-unquote” clean..
if i’ve visted any particular scenes.. and about a few people who are very, very close to me.
So I tell them, “you can’t choose your family or your brothers in deen.
So with regards to you questions, insinuations, your allegations..
my postition is that.. number 1 it’s a fallacy
and 2, has nothing to do with me.. So if you got beef
with them – suggestion! – is that you go and talk to their mamas..
instead of bringing me this drama.. yeah I’ma
tell you the truth! I know them – true.
That doesn’t mean that I’m part of their crews, or privy to all that they do.
Wait.. Whoa, whoa. Hold up.. what do you want me to do? You want me to work for you?
You want me to drop info on my bros and get paid for it too?
I’m sorry son.. even though you got me between a rock and a hot spot
you’re in the company of one of the few
that will tell you right now that that shit aint going down..
and as a matter of fact… (PUNK) YOU!”

I’m now told that the HEAT will now increase for me and my family
until i fall into submission. I remind them that we only here by Allah’s permission.
And it’s our vision to have support for one another. Even though our missions may be different to each other.
That means that we should try to advise and correct one another, instead of trying to sell each other
out to those with out a doubt want to screw us – up, down, in, and out
in the name of a policy, a benefit, an interest that doesn’t involve me! So i resolve to be
a brother to the end. Seeking a happiness much higher than that of money or even a friend.
So excuse me please as once again I bend.. to my knees.

This time I make DUA.
Now it’s Day 21,

And everytime I see one of these oppresive niggaz, I just wanna BOO-YAH..
anyway I can, they done messed up my fam, shook up my clan,
put me in a column of the DAMNED… all for a sham.
They thought I be the weak link that would crumble under a bit of pressure, and succumb to their hostile measures
and demonic demands.. but a Higher Order set out to prove them wrong by laying out His plan..
and making this weak brother strong, showing him exactly what is a man,
and that sometimes the right path is long and hard, a test..through an unlikely card..
thrown on my table. This ain’t no hollywood flick, fantasy or fable,
this sh!% happens for real, to ordinary gals and guys.
Maybe a way for the Creator to appeal to their spiritual sides, make them wise,
or maybe even purify them of their shortcomings and deficiencies..
and these divine algorithms and their efficiencies
will never be completely known less we cross over to the other side.
So in the mean time, I ponder this engima we call life.
Ask for forgiveness and protection for myself, and provision for my wife and fam,
and me He guide us all until we fall and no matter by whose hand..
it is He who is the taker, and right now i fear none but He and I’m now ready to meet my Maker.

I say my SHAHADA.
It’s day 28,

and i still get day dreams of my kids calling for their dada..
I wonder if I’ll ever see them again but right know that don’t matter.
I look towards a different relationship to get me through the days..
and in my heart exists a curious haze.
A mixture of peace and a desire for revenge. Redemption by violence! The most quickest way to cleanse..
this heart.. NO .. these hearts! that have suffered for far too long ..
at the hands of those that are so so wrong. NO WAIT.. HOLD UP.. YA RABI! Please make me among..
those who see past the confusion. My heart has had an emotional bruising
and it’s effected my mental. Now I know keeping it together with knowledge is an instrumental
component of my belief and that I should never get too sentimental with grief,
coz this picture that I’m in .. is so much more bigger than me.

Back to the peace that I feel within,
I feel like in here, I can do no sin.. coz I’m forever relying on him in the depths of this prison..
and everthing happens for a reason so it’s all good as long as I do the right thing.
And so I sing praise to the One who has given me 4 weeks of Ibadah with the utmost sincerity.
My best friends, DUA, SALAH, ADHKAR, have helped to take me this far,
days of darnkess – an exercise that brings you closer to Allah.. a real khalwah.
Knowing that your demise could be realized at any time..
even in a blink of an eye..

I raise my hands to my face… I CRY.
It’s day 37 now and I,
continue to immerse myself in reading, never heeding,
this place that I’m in. Don’t think much anymore about my kin..
Coz they in Allahs’ hands – they always was and always will be,
but now i believe this truly and say it with all certainty.
Now, I can’t tell you the difference between red and bergandy,
but the more important things in life have been made that much more clear to me.
They have imprisoned and tortured me. Tried to disect me, infect me ..
with fear from their clear repugnant audacity.
All the while, i’d just give them a scowl or a crooked smile,
coz these tests have already past me.
but don’t take my serenity ..
as a sign of weakness. I still remember the bleakness ..
that I felt when your soldiers had their guns to my baby’s head, promising to leave her for dead.
So she don’t grow up to become part of a NEW generation that DON’T shit the bed!
Contrary to a usual manifestation of when we hear you coming..
but that be a legacy that we used to be drumming.
Striking fear into your hearts from a month’s marching distance! EN MASSE!
An instance experienced by our ameers of the past..
and the rightly guided. Those who abided and were thuse honored with victory.
When death was welcomed – nothing but a mere simplicity.

Fast forward 1400 years, they just killed Awlaki.
One of their own. Over fears that he could ignite the ummah through a different tone,
not first a call to arms with out first a call to knowlege.. and through this college..
our actions and reactions will be made clear and to who it is that we should truly fear and pay homage.
Ash-hadu La ilaha illa Allah wa ash-hadu ana Muhamad arrasoolullah
Is there now any question? .. I think not. My blood, albeit, hot,
has been reigned in between the reigns of truth and knowledge of deen.
A few more things have been made clear to me, namely Yaqeen!
Tawakal and Tawheed!
Never again will I buckle.. even if they make me bleed..
Proud to be apart of a glorious creed.. and then suddenly..
they come to me and tell me I’m free.
That I can go.. just like that.. without any explanation or apology.
I now know what I must do.. for myself, my Ummah, and my family.
I smile as I leave, being careful not to show the slightest hint of my scorn..

It’s Day 37…  and another terrorist is born.