SELF

by RAJ

–A dedication to my best friend Abeer Mohamed “Beero”

Quote: “I think I’m falling out of love with myself, and that’s the root of all my problems”.
as I read Beero’s words they hit the core of my soul and shook my bones… cuz she said exactly what I couldn’t say and what she said is the root of all my problems too… So imma write this out and write it off…

I fucking hate myself

this is the first time I say it out loud but I’ve said it to myself so many times… and I suffer and I clutter them emotions into so many mountains of resentfulness of hating this being called myself…
Although In the hours of solitude and late sleepless nights I got nobody but myself… shit I always talk to myself and when I die I know the only one going down with me is my own self so why so much hate and too little love?

You know maybe it goes way back to when I was a kid in elementary school… I was chubby and to be chubby in elementary is to face too many bullies… and I aint blaming them for my failure in loving myself it’s not just them but if you feel me, you’ll learn in a very young age that your body isn’t something to be loved and so…
I never loved it… never loved my personality either… so I started wearing poetry as a veil covering up all that I hate… sewing verses from thoughts and emotions of things I would never admit… wearing them loud to distract the crowd as the veil would fall down verse by verse… That always lifts up my soul and makes me feel lovable… even by my own self…

UNTIL

This damn self of mine come back around telling me that this wasn’t good enough… slap, slap that wasn’t strong enough… I fucking hate myself…

this is the second time I say it out loud… and you know maybe cuz growing up I’ve been told that loving yourself is the act of selfishness I didn’t wanna be selfish… they’d tell me to give love in order to receive love that is how it works…

and ever since I go on with Arms and heart wide open telling everyone in them hey I will love you with all your flaws I don’t judge with me you can be who you are cuz my mind tells me that the chances of anyone not judging me or loving me for who I am and despite my flaws are closer to Zero so… I must give before receiving and even if I don’t receive at least the blame won’t be on me… Beero knows how many crushes I had… convincing myself at every one that this is the one but it’s never the one cuz the only one I need her love is my own god damn self…I know it but I ignore it but I deny it…

at every time I end up hurt I think: you fool, look at you… so much pity and nothing pretty and you can only blame yourself…
for regretting yourself…  for not loving yourself enough… for looking for love with someone else… for saying the wrong things… for punishing yourself for saying too much… for not speaking up… for beating yourself up… for not standing up for yourself… for wishing to be something you aren’t… for loving yourself less than others…for holding on to all the reasons you should hate yourself and letting go of every reason why you must fall in love with yourself…

still sometimes it’s easier to believe that someone else loves me like Beero you love me… but with myself its hard… with myself there’s no mask, no veil… with myself there’s too much thinking… there’s should’ve have been and must have been… there’s if only and might have been… there’s so much hate and too little of love

And I needed to write this hate out and be myself for once without regretting it… I wanted to write it off cuz it’s weighing me down and taking the joy of my life… and I know later on I’ll be thinking that this wasn’t good enough sorry for that Beero… but to love this being I call myself will be more than just enough.